Why did i pick up that drink?
Why do we numb overwhelming feelings?
When is it i feel the need to have a hit of weed or a drink of alcohol?
This week it has been when i am about to hang with my friends and my responsibilities have subsided.
I feel its been my way to wind down and try to relax. All the while, i cannot shake the feeling that i am numbing something.
Its been a hard week.
My mom took a fall and she cannot currently walk.
Due to her being medically complicated and weak, the Dr did not suggest surgery, but instead a less aggressive approach, physical therapy, possible cortisone shots.
They’re basically trying to keep her comfortable because it appears to the naked eye, shes not far from dying from skin cancer. My guess is, it would be unethical to do spinal surgery on someone who is covered in cancer and not being treated for it.
But i find myself taking a hit again today. I feel like I’m in overdrive- maybe a way to protect myself, not feel, not process what all has happened because if i sit down to realize I have no control, then I realize I’ve lost.
I cannot control anything that is happening with my mom. The only thing i can control is how i show up.
But today i am too tired. Today i stay home and i control what i can today.
I clean.
Its Nov 1st, so i put away all of the Halloween decor, start a deep clean from what’s left behind and i stay busy, until i am exhausted! Too tired to nearly function, but now i want to numb again.
I’m not ready to feel all of the hard emotions that I haven’t felt.
- Grieve the fact that my mother cannot walk and i had to out her into a nursing home to get her full time support.
- Grieve that i cannot take care of her because i have my own family with my youngest being 4years old.
But the emotions still creep in, which is why i try to quiet them.
I just want to feel happy. I want to live content. These emotions want to take over. I already cried for days. I’m So tired. I want to decompress, i want to rest, but i don’t Want to cry.
I wont.
So i say the serenity prayer that i learned in Al-Anon years back.
*God, grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change
the courage to change the things I can
and the wisdom to know the difference.
I went to Al-Anon after a Naturopathic Nurse Practitioner recommended it for me. She told me she thought i would never fully heal unless i can heal my wounds and learn to let go. It was a great suggestion, and it did help, and i always liked the Serenity Prayer that we said aloud to close out each meeting.
I thought if i could control everything in my life, then nothing would ever go wrong. From a young age, i was able to influence my parents and others to think i was cute or funny to turn every situation in my favor. But as you grow up, you realize that it is impossible, and the more you try to control, the more you die inside. The truth is, did I ever have control? Or did i just tell myself that, until there was a point i realized that my ideals were lies?
Now I know that i can’t control anything, i trust. I trust the universe, that everything is happening FOR me, not TO me. This has taken a lot of practice and sometimes, when things are hard, i have to repeat to myself; “Julie, this is happening for you, not to you. This is apart of your journey. Nothing is happening that will not help you grow into the person you become. Let it be and move forward with it.”
Telling myself this helps keep things in perspective. It helps me show up, even if i am overwhelmed and need a day off, like today.
In truth, we are all doing the Best we can.
