The most important thing is YOU!!
We all bring special, unique gifts to the world.
When you watch your favorite athlete, and you feel a spark of excitement, it comes from that athlete living their light, their passion.
We bring love and light through expressing ourselves. Our true selves.
When a person lives by what lights them up, it shows.
They inspire those of us that see it.
This goes far beyond our favorite athletes.
It comes into our everyday lives.
This can be a teacher, a doctor, a neighbor, a child, any human or animal that you can imagine. And you don’t have to be successful or famous to let your light shine through.
But your own light cannot shine, unless you follow it! So what is it that lights you up??
What do you do that brings you joy?
If you have no clue- it’s time to explore that!
Exploring
It can take time to discover what lights you up!
If you’re like me, my light almost burnt out completely, I felt sad, hopeless, stuck, lost, and i had to start from the beginning.
Children are pure, they do what they love.
Think back to your childhood, where did you have fun?
What were you doing?
Bring that back, start there. It can be as simple as rollerblading, or singing Brittany Spears songs in your bedroom mirror, or building legos.
Bring back the dreams that the world kicked out of you, thats where your light will begin to shine.
I worked for years to find my light, until i realized i was looking in all of the wrong places. This realization did not come easy.
It came with a hopelessness no one should ever have to feel.
I searched for my light through work. I always felt as if i should find it as i explored new avenues through my career. Because you should love what you do…..
I was a dental hygienist. I worked at a female run general private practice in a progressive city. We were constantly learning about new ways and techniques to help people. I loved to work in a place where we would consider interdiciplinary medicine and holistic options that i could discuss with my patients. It was rare that i did not have some sort of referal for my clients. But as time went on, It became exhausting. I had worked in the same practice nearly 12 years, constantly trying to help people that didnt always want or need my help. It started to feel like a hamster wheel.
When i went back to work post covid, with a new covid baby, in Sept of 2020, i lost that drive for referrals and recommendations, and my practice lost me.
I was giving up.
I felt like i would never find a way out of this madness that dentistry was. I had to keep giving more and asking my patients to do more and it felt wrong. Sometimes, i just wanted to clean teeth.
I changed. It was me, not them. They were the same they had always been. I was changing and outgrowing my old ways.
In spring of 2022, I was fortunate to be able to take a break from work. I felt joy leaving work!
However, those feelings didn’t last long. A few months later, I became depressed again, bored, with no purpose in life. I was told by a psychic at a book shop my light was almost gone. Burned out. The joy, the reason for living was all gone. Just gone.
I was scared by this, but still had no clue what to do. I was lost, stuck, hopeless.
After a trip back home, i felt happy again.
I felt love. I had moments of joy while we were visiting. Joy that i had not been able to experience in previous months. During that week home, my husband and i decided to move back. The decision was made, there was still much to do to get there, but hope existed again.
I felt the light. Light was moving us forward. Things started to fall into place. It has been nearly 2 years since our move and its Amazing how that light has grown.
And now understand it more. I can tell when water is being thrown at my flame. I can pause and breathe in the joyous moments. I can cry happy and sad tears. Im no longer numb, unhappy, angry, lost. I do have emotions, but my overall aura/energy is positive.
I can also tell my light is back because i feel others looking at me. When i was young, i used to think this was because i was pretty or i styled my hair, but now i know, its my light shining. People can feel that strong energy. That i am living happy, with light and love. And i feel it in other people too. Its a gift to recognize it.
Keeping the light
Recently, my light had water thrown on it. I realized i was going through a hard time, but i did not realize how bad things were until i lost my cool.
A bridge was created back to my childhood, when i was emotionally abused and had no say, no voice because my only parent that treated me poorly was my survival. It all flared back up and i was enraged.
I was enraged for nearly 2 days until i asked myself why?
Why are you so angry with her?
What caused this to build up and blow up?
She is just being her normal pathological narcissistic, borderline personality disorder self, with a new element of dementia added on top.
And i realized i am angry with my myself.
I let her get the best of me again. I know who she is. She has not changed. She will never change.
Its me. I have to change. And I need to hold my boundaries, which she took away from me the second she discharged herself from the nursing home and expected my compliance. She created me as her caregiver without asking and i took the bait. I took her home after she left the ER. I did not say, you have to go back to the nursing home. I cannot leave you home alone. And i knew. I knew she is suffering from dementia. I knew she was not going to keep moving forward when i took her home.
I was not strong enough. So yes, i was so angry with her, but crazy is her normal. I am really mad at myself. I was not strong enough to make those boundaries. I let myself down and i became her full time care taker she abused for days.
And then when she knows i am weak, 14 days into this disaster, she hit me where it hurts.
2 days after Kamala lost the 2024 Presidential election, she decided to talk to me about Trump protecting my daughters from boys being in their sports. That was the final straw. She unleashed the Beast.
Nevermind that my daughters are losing all of their reproductive rights, lets talk about how Trump, the worst human in North America, a convicted criminal is going to protect my daughters from transgender athletes.
Fuck off mom.
Fuck you for voting against your grandchildren, our future, our democracy. I am Angry!!!
Life is not something that just happens to you!
Its something you create. -Harold and the purple crayon
At this point, this is not happening to me anymore. I create my life. I have a choice. My choice is for you to take care of yourself. If i am not strong enough to be around you, to with hold my boundaries, then i will not be. And right now, I am not. So figure it out Mom. You stole my light, my happiness, my joy for 2 weeks now and i have taken your abuse, but i wont keep doing it.
I have felt joy and love and light, and none of that has included my mom. She has only brought her hate, anger and anguish for 40 years. My brother quit her at 14. My sister has had periods of termination as have I. I’m impressed I’ve lasted this long.
From here out, I give myself permission to not see or talk to her if I am mentally or emotionally unable to. I have to protect myself. I have to protect my life, my light that i am just getting back after years of working to get here.
I have created love and light through every choice i have made in the last few years and i am not going to neglect myself because we are family. Not even because you are my mother and i chose you at birth. I chose you for so many reasons as my parent and i am so grateful for all of the lessons you have taught me, but now it is my turn, and i need to be there for my kids. I cannot revert. I am here to change the ancestral lines. I cannot go back into the dark holes that gave me so much pain and sadness. I will suffer from them again and again in my lifetime, but i will not chose to put myself through that anymore. Your energy is dark/black and i cannot go there anymore.
I know in the spirit world, you will understand this. That i had to do what i had to do with you because my soul was at risk.
We are here to rediscover our souls, to grow our souls over many lifetimes.
In this lifetime you had different lessons than me.
In this lifetime, i wish you could have done better.
I wonder if you had not have gotten stuck if you would’ve changed the world? I wonder if you did do great things for the world and humanity, if my life would have been different? I wonder how much you’ll learn when your life is replayed for you and you see the extreme hurt and pain you caused your children.
Life is so complicated because i also realize you did the best you could. You did what you were capable of. Although, i did always want more for you, and for our relationship, I can love you for who you are. And i do.
But that does not mean i need to see you or care for you.
I send you love and light and i hope the next time we cross paths, its a better situation. To all of the hurt and pain you have caused, you were playing your role. You played it well, I am better for it. I love you and i forgive you.
Reader: Don’t let anything or Anyone dim your light. The most important thing is you!!
You have so much to offer the world, even if you can’t fully see it yet!
Sending you love and light❤️
