Fight, flight, freeze
Ive felt awful lately.
Like i can never catch up.
Like im always on the edge of crying.
As if there is something important im forgetting to do and its stressing me out. Raising my blood pressure, making my heart beat faster and my hair on my arms stands straight up with fear.
My adrenals are in overload.
The thing is, there is nothing pressing happening in my life, so why?
Why do i feel like one more thing may break me?
Why do i feel liike the next harsh comment may make me explode?
Like another emotional meltdown from my daughters may make me scream at them?
I am in a cyclical state of fight, flight or freeze.
At this point in my life, this is my known state. When i venture back here, it can be hard to recognize at first. It may take days or weeks to settle my nerves down again.
Then it clicks, and i wonder, how did i ever get here.
It’s usually a consistently busy schedule. I have too much to do and too much to worry about, so i do!
This cycle brings fatigue. Not to mention raising my already emotionally immature growing children who i find exhausting.
Weeks or months after writing this above, i dont even remember feeling this awful. The first step was recognition.
Self recognition can be such a challenge. It can be easier to live unconsciously.
Conscious living means recognizing and making decisions that make you a better person.
For me living consciously includes small things, like noticing how i feel after i eat or drink. If i feel bad after an alcoholic beverage, maybe that drink is not for me. It means, if i eat something and have a tummy ache, i notice how i feel after and choose not to eat that the next time.
Small choices that give us power to live as our best selves is living consciously. Not to deprive yourself, but to feel good and live well.
I find our habits and daily routines become so habitual, we’re not living fully. We grab the next thing to temporarily to give us gratification and get by.
I recently had a wake up call.
On the fourth of July, my father in law was slumped in his chair unconscious. He was out for nearly a minute after we even noticed he was out.
I thought he was dead.
In a few moments, it felt like our lives would be changed forever. I realized the fireworks, the booze, the food was all a joke. To see life leave someone in front of you and their limp body there was traumatic. His daughter’s response added to it. In an instant, it became her terror. Her father was gone and she couldn’t contain her greif. The screaming and cries will stay with me forever.
Luckily our poppy woke up. He fainted from dehydration and low bp. He will be on a heart monitor for the next month to determine why his blood pressure has been up and down.
But those moments ate me alive for days.
Ive decided i cannot live in an unconscious state any longer. I want to be more present. I want to listen and respect my body. I want to rest when i need it. I want to say how i feel. I want to live without worry. I want to live. Truly live.
Im tired, but i think im tired of being bored. Im so bored from not feeling.
I am a master blocker.
I taught myself how to live void of feeling to avoid the negative feels. Unfortunately, it took away my positive feels too. Until i was dead inside.
Faking positivity didn’t work, i had to believe it. I did not. I told myself for years;
If i just have a good attitude, i can make it through anything.
The thing is, i still needed to feel and process. I did not give myself that space until now.
And now is all there is. ❤️
