A million little things
Its impossible to drink the magic tea.
I say this trying to drink one tea at a time trying to fix my world. It started with: if only i lose 5lbs in my 20’s, to if only i didnt have to work in my 30’s. to 39 where i realize its more than one thing. Its a million little things.
The magic mushroom cannot heal me.
It’s a million little things that that trigger me at different times. I cannot even tell why i am triggered sometimes. And healing is the same. I thought if i just find my “thing.”
The “thing” that makes me feel whole again. The thing that brings me back to life, like running or yoga or organizing or drinking coffee outside every morning, doing nothing and thinking. But thats Not it, but its All of it at the very same time.
It’s everything, everywhere, all at once.
And i cant control it. None of it. I can only flow with it or my world lights up.
My happiness depends on my flow. If i dont respect and listen to the feelings, i break.
I LOVE being in spiritual mode. I love just BEing. Sometimes, i find myself in DO mode while in spiritual mode. Thats fun and the accomplishment feels great. But the way i feel truly amazing is when i dance it out. I dance it out like no one is watching. I dance it out so hard i cry. I feel the music. It feels so good coursing through my veins. Its time for me. Time for me to ignore it all. All of it. Just be with the music. Just feel the beat, the emotion, the passion behind a song. Its great.
When i am going through something, i can pick out parts of songs and it heals me. It feels like someone else gets it!
Its a beautiful thing. It makes me realize why artists exist. Sometimes the beat is so fun but the words are so deep, i wonder if the artist feels as deep as some of the lyrics or realizes how much people can connect to the music.
Life is a combination of BEing and DOing
Theres a delicate balance for some of us. I was molded as a DOer. Do for yourself and others and you will be successful.
As DOing All the things helped me find success in my life, financially, physically, mentally, I lost myself. I lost my spirit. I was so busy DOing, I forgot to BE. I lost joy in the moment. In BEing.
Be-ing me, loving myself, appreciating my accomplishments. It was never enough. I always needed more. To do more, to be more, to see more, to have more. It became cyclical until i hated my life. Essentally, i hated myself.
Finding Healing
I am realizing healing myself comes in so many forms. Its music, its writing, its exploring, its walking/hiking, its podcasting, its playing with my kids, sitting back and watching people, getting creative.
Theres countless ways. The trick is realizing what is needed in that moment. Listening to myself, loving myself, enjoying myself.
Listen to the body whispers before it screams.
I recently screamed. At my mother in fact. It was awful. I was so full of anger.
In the journey to finding peace/enlightenment, no one is perfect. There are a million setbacks or lessons as i would like to call them.
This lesson was not listening to what i needed. This lesson was putting someone else before myself at my own detriment.
This happens a lot as a parent.
But i haven’t let it happen as a daughter in a very long time.
It was eye opening.
It helped me realize, i need to chose myself first. I need to nurture myself first. If i have nothing left to give, then i cannot give it.
This mistake cost me weeks of anger, resentment and tears. It was a lesson i needed to learn and i am sure i still haven’t fully learned it, but now i will do my best to be aware of the signs forthcoming.
And this lesson is important to remember as a human, not just a daughter or mother or wife, but in all facets of life.
If i am not at my best, i cannot be at my best for others.
I want to be more than i am
Knowing limitations.
Learning limitations.
These are engrained in the lessons, shown through the emotions and chosing love, chosing you.
Chose you.
Chose love.
Love yourself enough to feel your limitations.
